2011 February

Pregnant 1, Trying 2

February 28, 2011 By Reedu 7 Comments

My husband Jason and I were out for a rare night with friends on Saturday when we found out that one of the couples who was there are newly pregnant. They are expecting their third child while the woman’s sister and good friend (who were also there with their husbands) are both trying to conceive. The latter is even going the IVF route.

It wasn’t announced that night for a few reasons. One, we were there to celebrate someone’s birthday. Two, she is only five weeks along, and three, the woman who is pregnant was trying to take her sister and friend’s feelings into consideration.

But when you mix joyous news with alcohol it’s bound to not stay a secret for too long.

The drinks continued to flow throughout the night and the news eventually got out. And as I suspected, the sister of the woman who is pregnant was more hurt that she didn’t know. Of course that’s not to say there are not jealousy pangs going on behind closed doors, I am sure there are. In both respects, I can’t blame her.

It was considerate of my friend to be mindful of her sister and friend’s feelings who are trying to conceive but it was more awkward when she was trying to squelch her news then if she had just come out with it.

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I have no idea why some people are so lucky and for others it takes a bit more work. It is without question, unfair, but is there any real way to spare someone’s feelings?

Tell me your thoughts on the subject matter in the comments.

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: personal, pregnancy

Miscarriage for Family or Facebook?

February 24, 2011 By Reedu 10 Comments

I always say I joined Facebook at the perfect time in my life. It was December 2007, I was about to turn 30 and I was engaged to be married. Not the least bit salacious.

If Facebook had been around when I was a teenager, I’d fear for my future. Let’s just say that restraint wasn’t one of my strong suits in high school and neither was discretion. Besides incriminating photos of me doing a keg stand or a bong hit, I would have been just the kind of girl to have a very public breakup on my wall.

There have been many milestones for me to celebrate on Facebook such as my marriage, my pregnancy and most recently, the birth of my son. But when I got pregnant in 2009, my husband and I made the very personal decision not to share the exciting news with my 600+ friends on Facebook until we got through the dreaded first trimester.

However, I have learned that waiting 12 weeks to announce your pregnancy on social media sites is not the norm. Gina Crosley-Corcoran, the author of the popular blog The Feminist Breeder, announced the news of her most recent pregnancy on Facebook with a photo of the pee stick.

I also have friends on Facebook who have shared the news of their pregnancy the minute the pregnancy test read positive. For most of these women it was their second pregnancy. Some carried the baby to term. Others did not.

One of my closest friends had miscarried twice before finding out she suffers from a blood clot disorder. By the time the doctors figured out how to manage her condition, she was pregnant with her third baby. She kept a very low profile on Facebook up until she gave birth one week ago to a beautiful and healthy baby boy. Now she is like every other mom, proudly posting photos on Facebook of her long awaited bundle. I understand completely her desire to keep a low profile on her wall pre-baby. She was scared and did not want to have to grieve publicly. I couldn’t blame her.

My college roommate announced her miscarriage on Facebook earlier today:

This fucking kills me but we found out the baby has no heart beat today…………..and now I just have to wait to miscarry it!!!!

And while this posts’ focus is about Facebook, Penelope Trunk, a blogger who shares almost every detail of her life over the Internet, shared news of her miscarriage in a Twitter messag two years ago:

I’m in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there’s a f**ked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin.

If women can announce the blessings in their lives on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter, as I did the birth of my son, then that begs the question why women should have to stifle the loss of a child from these sites.

I have never walked one step, let alone one mile in a woman’s shoes who has experienced such loss. However if I did, I would save the news for my family and not my 700 Facebook friends, but that’s not to say I might not blog about it. In my thinking, sharing something that is painful and private with my blog community, is vastly different than posting a Facebook status update.

Miscarriage is something women should not have to feel shame and condemnation for. My college roommate reminded me of that today.

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Where are you willing to draw the line when it comes to sharing personal information on social media sites?

Filed Under: Featured

Why I Love Parenthood

February 23, 2011 By Reedu 2 Comments

While I do love being a parent, what I’m actually talking about is the NBC TV show on Tuesday nights.

I remember when I saw the first preview for Parenthood last year. I was still watching The Biggest Loser then and the fact that the one hour drama began when TBL ended worked in my favor. A couple of other things worked in my favor then, too. It was PM (pre-Mylo) and I was pregnant with little else going on in my life. I had oodles and oodles of time to watch obese people work out and get hooked on a one hour family drama.

The first reason why I love Parenthood: Peter Krause. He’s Hollywood’s second most underserved actor. (The first one is Michael Keaton.)

Peter Krause as Adam Braverman on NBC's Parenthood.

Although Peter is handsome, it has nothing to do with that. He plays his characters with a kind of purpose and effectiveness that makes it feel like he’s right next to me in my living room. I felt that way about him in his most notable role as Nate Fisher in Six Feet Under and now again, as Adam Braverman in Parenthood.

The second reason why I love this family drama is just that. It’s family drama. The Braverman’s are volatile yet loving. The fact that someone is always yelling at someone else in the show speaks to me. It’s how my family was and still is, so I suppose that I find comfort in this kind of messy menage.

The third reason why I love Parenthood is they show men cry. Think about it, other than The Bachelor, The Biggest Loser and other reality shows, when do you see men cry on TV?

The fourth reason why I love Parenthood is because they’ve broached vegetarianism in the latest episode of this wonderful show. And they did so beautifully.

Sydney, the daughter of one of the Braverman daughters decided to go veg in last night’s episode. With the number of U.S. adult vegetarians at 7.3 million, or 3.2 percent of the population as reported by the Vegetarian Times Magazine in 2008, it’s any wonder why more shows don’t incorporate this healthy, ethical and emerging way of life.

I’ve always been a big fan of animal welfare issues that are positively portrayed in mainstream media. So the fact that Parenthood had 5.5 million viewers on February 22nd – and that’s NOT including DVRs – had terrific potential to effect the public.

And finally, the fifth reason why I love Parenthood is because it was one of our motivating forces behind getting TiVo. After recently becoming a mom, I no longer have the luxury of watching TV late at night or watching my shows uninterrupted. While The Biggest Loser got the cut, the Braverman’s are here to stay!

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Do you watch Parenthood? Do you love it like I do – why or why not?

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: personal

Giving With Kiva

February 22, 2011 By Reedu 6 Comments

This past Christmas my brother and his wife gave my husband Jason and me a microloan gift to help global entrepreneurs on Kiva.org. If you’re not familiar with what Kiva is, here’s what they say on their website. “Kiva empowers individuals to lend to an entrepreneur across the globe. By combining microfinance with the internet, Kiva is creating a global community of people connected through lending.”

Today I chose someone to lend the microloan gift to and I must say, it felt a little like playing God. Sort of how it feels when I am at the pound choosing a cat or dog to save and invite into my rescue. Ok, maybe not as extreme, but still.

I started my search for the right candidate to lend to by filtering out the men. As a woman who understands how difficult the business world can be, I wanted to lend to a woman. I was also interested in lending to a woman in Palestine, my father’s country. Jason had previously made his microloan gift to a Palestinian man looking to build his computer business.

I have to tell you that after reading the bios of the five or so Palestinian women who were seeking loans, I was not impressed. They were looking to raise money for their husbands’ business, not their own. What’s more, where there should be a photo of the woman, is a photo of their husband with a note that says she is conservative and does not want her picture on the Internet. I respect that she may not want her face plastered all over the web, but I’m not down with the third world, old school, sexist divide that appears evident in request for the loans from the woman for the man. In the end, I was disappointed that I couldn’t help out a woman from my father’s country.

I wound up choosing Kokoe Homefa Messan from Togo, a little West African country near Nigeria, where I was born. And like me, she is married with one child. Her work involves buying second-hand clothing to sell in an open-air market. If you didn’t already know this fun fact about me, I am a huge fan of flea markets and of buying from consignment shops.

In the end, supporting Koke’s used clothing business didn’t just feel good, it felt right.

Koke Homefa Messan sells second-hand clothing in the market of Lomé in Togo.

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Have you given with Kiva and were you also in pursuit of a connection with the person you wanted to lend to?

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: personal

Mylostone – Smartphone

February 22, 2011 By Reedu 1 Comment

This Mylostone is for you, Granna…

I’ll admit, I am on my Blackberry a lot and if I’m not on it, it’s never not within arm’s reach. During my son Mylo’s early days when I became a new mom and nursing was long and arduous, when I fed him for up to half an hour at a time, sometimes every hour, I found a lot of solace and comfort in my trusty smartphone. When I wasn’t texting or playing Word Mole I would read Facebook status update after Facebook status update after Facebook status update. And when that got old I installed the Twitter app on my Blackberry.

A couple of months ago when I was at BuyBuy Baby with my mom we saw a onesie that read, “Stop Texting and Change Me.” She quipped that mine should say, “Stop Texting and Feed Me.”

Let me make something clear before I go any further. I never denied my son a feeding because I was on my phone. My mom’s objection with my phone is a generational one. She has a cell phone but it’s never on because she doesn’t like being found. I know what you’re thinking, why bother having one, right?

My mom couldn’t believe that I was on my phone during a time that is meant for fostering a deep bond between mother and infant. To that I say there is little bonding going on in the early days of breastfeeding. Until Mylo was about 1 month old I was hard pressed to see any bonding in breastfeeding. It was painful. It was demanding. It was lonely. It was time consuming. And it instilled in me a deep appreciation for our four-legged mammal friends. (Especially since they don’t have a smartphone to turn to.)

The good news is that Mylo is 6 months and almost 2 weeks old and I am still nursing and absolutely loving it. I am no longer on my Blackberry during feedings the way I used to be. Feedings are shorter and hours apart and when he is on my breast I coo at him, caress him and delight in making him smile or laugh while he is sucking. The bonding part of breastfeeding is in full force now and no text message, Facebook status update or Tweet would ever take precedence over what I share with my son during this time.

On the other hand, all that time spent on my Blackberry coupled with my son’s development has made him a budding smartphone candidate. He is obsessed with my phone. And much to my mom’s chagrin, I tell him, “Soon enough baby boy, you will have your own cell phone. Mommy’s gonna track you down everywhere!”

Hopefully by the time he has a phone, the "ignore call" option will be a thing of the past.

Filed Under: Babies Tagged With: mylostone

Teaching Manners to Children Other than Your Own

February 21, 2011 By Reedu 2 Comments

Growing up, manners were no small joke in our household. Lessons learned that I used to find embarrassing I am grateful for today. I was taught to not only say hello to the parent of a friend I was calling on the telephone but announce who I was. Friends who called me on the phone and gave the usual, “Is Reedu there?” were answered by my mom with a “Yes,” and a dial tone.

Something else they ingrained in our youthful psyche is to always respect our elders. That not only meant holding open doors, we were also taught to offer up our seat as well. Respect for my elders became more finely tuned years later when I began volunteering with hospice and Alzheimer’s patients in New York City.

While I am grateful that my friends’ parents found me polite and respectful, and that elderly people have had visions of me settling down with their grandsons, I don’t know that I would have taken lightly to such discipline being enforced by anyone other than my folks.

So you could imagine my horror, (not necessarily surprise) when me and my mom were exiting Chipotle today and she snapped at two kids who didn’t hold open the door for me and the monstrosity of a baby stroller that I was pushing.

The kids were 12, maybe 13 years old and were walking in through the first set of double doors as we happened to be walking out of the second set of double doors. They changed their young, adolescent minds at the last second and turned out the door they just came through with the glass making a notable thud against the front tire of my baby jogger.

It was not purposeful so I didn’t think much of it, especially when I saw a package of “bang snaps” in their hands. But my mom thought a whole lot of it and let them know. She marched up to them and cracked, “You don’t close a door on a baby carriage!” Bang. Snap.

Should manners be taught by non-parents?

Up until that point they stood on the busy Brooklyn sidewalk giggling and frantically trying to open the package of bang snaps as if they were about to pull off the prank of all pranks on a friend who was following close behind. But now they stood there dazed and confused, looking around for a baby stroller. (Mind you I was I was halfway down the block at this point.)

Part of me knows that my mom was merely trying to protect me and stick up for me, which I appreciate, as I would certainly do the same for my children. But at the same time, I took issue with the fact that she felt the need to discipline somebody else’s children. I’m not sure I would want a perfect stranger scolding my son should he get caught up in an innocent pubescent moment. And there will be many of them, I am sure.

Maybe it was the zen mood that comes with a satisfying meal at my favorite fast food joint, maybe it was the kids’ look on their faces as they facetiously negotiated the bang snaps, or maybe it was the fact that children today are hopeless. In any case, I didn’t think it was a big deal. I also didn’t think it warranted a lesson from my mom.

My thinking is that kids who purposely close doors on women with baby carriages, or on their elders’ for that matter, will have many of life’s doors close on them. What’s that saying… what goes around comes around?

How do you feel about other people, or even strangers for that matter, teaching manners to your children?

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: Brooklyn, personal

Gov. Cuomo Comes Through for Long Island College Hospital

February 20, 2011 By Reedu Leave a Comment

I was thrilled to hear the news that New York State will reach into its coffers for the promised $62 million in grants needed to keep Long Island College Hospital alive and running. I wrote in an earlier post, here, about how LICH – the birthplace of my son Mylo and the hospital in my beloved Brooklyn neighborhood – could close as soon as next month after state officials said they were reconsidering the funding.

Cuomo coughs up money for troubled Long Island College Hospital.

The LICH grants are reported to be among more than 100 health grants totaling $683 million that Governor Cuomo has decided to reconsider.

It goes without saying that I am thrilled for the hospital, their staff and anyone who has plans to bring their children into the world there.

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: Brooklyn

Sleep Training

February 18, 2011 By Reedu 2 Comments

I’ve been keeping a dirty little secret. Ever since our son Mylo was born, we’ve only slept through the night once, and even then it was a fluke. I understand that during the first few months of his life the no sleep thing is normal, but he’s 6 months old now and we just cannot go on like this.

My group of mom friends with babies the same age as Mylo have been buzzing about sleep training for the last couple of months. A few have returned to their full-time jobs and so establishing a routine in order to help prepare their babies for daycare was important. But we were not in the same boat so I did nothing with the useful information they were sharing. Ferber who?

Putting Mylo to bed usually goes something like this: breastfeeding, rocking in the rocking chair, walking around the house with all the lights out, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, breastfeeding. Jason and I have been stuck in newborn mode, scared to put Mylo down in his crib while he is still awake.

Our middle of the nights go something like this: get woken up by him in the middle of the night, deliriously transport him from crib to bed, nurse, sleep, nurse, sleep, nurse. Although there’s always much more nursing going on then there is sleeping.

Recently, my husband Jason asked me why weren’t doing sleep training like my mom friends were. For starters, we have a one bedroom. Granted it’s large, but how could we sleep train in a one bedroom when I’m still breastfeeding? Everything I read says that a mom in the same bedroom as baby who is not planning on nursing is like holding cake up to someone but not letting him have a bite!

But then Mylo’s pediatrician emailed us a sleep training book that she’s a big fan of — The Sleep Sense Program by Dana Obleman. I read it and finally understood how important it is to have a bedtime routine.

This past Monday, we began sleep training. While I didn’t have high hopes because of our one bedroom, I decided to put more emphasis on putting Mylo to bed at night and lessened my expectations of him actually sleeping through the night.

It’s been four nights now and I cannot believe the way he has taken to it. The routine takes a half hour each night and begins with a bath, followed by pajamas, a book, nursing and putting Mylo in the crib awake. He cried the first night for 13 minutes, fussed for less then five the next two nights and cried hysterically for six minutes last night.

In the middle of the night on the first night of sleep training he woke up twice. Both times we laid there and did not go to him. He didn’t cry but moaned and played and then eventually fell back asleep. Or maybe we fell asleep first. The second night he woke up one time in the middle of the night. And then the last two nights in a row… knock on wood… baby boy SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!

The routine, while time consuming, is fun. And in reality it takes less time and energy than our previous routine of rocking, nursing and soothing him to sleep. What’s more, this new routine gives me and Jason more time together. Time to connect and be intimate, which I almost forgot how important and fun that can be.

Putting baby boy in the crib awake. Who knew that's what you were supposed to do.

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Does your infant sleep through the night? Do you have any other sleep training tricks I don’t know about? If so, share the wealth!

Filed Under: Babies

Ryno

February 17, 2011 By Reedu Leave a Comment

Timmy Ryniker 1978 – 1996

I looked around at all those young shocked faces. They had discovered that death could reach into their midst, youth did not shelter them, and they were confused. They had loved him, shared in fun, mischief, adventures. Now they shared the same anguish and stood together, like a flock of frightened birds, contemplating their memories and their loss. This experience would forever live with them, and make them grow, make them better, wiser.

-Kuki Gallmann

Filed Under: Featured Tagged With: personal

Our Midwife, Beverly Woodard CNM

February 16, 2011 By Reedu 4 Comments

This post has been a long time coming. It’s about our midwife and has been brewing in my mind and in my heart for some time now.

Last March when I was halfway through my pregnancy, we ended our prenatal care with our OB/GYN and set out to find a midwife. My husband Jason and I had just seen The Business of Being Born which was an eye opener for us since we were new to everything regarding birth and babies.

We first met Beverly Woodard of Fruition Midwifery at her office in Chelsea on March 30, 2010. She was the only one of a half dozen women I had called who was willing to take me into her practice. I write about our decision to switch from an OB/GYN to a midwife in an earlier post, here.

Before I met Beverly my impression of a midwife was someone who was was warm, maternal and perhaps a bit crunchy. Beverly was anything but that. She was a whippersnapper. She was autocratic, and she took great pleasure in shooting down our fanciful, liberal hopes for a drug-free birth. She was also impeccably groomed.

The months that followed in the rest of my pregnancy I would come to question our decision to leave our OB/GYN for a midwife. Beverly’s care was top notch, but we were not gelling the way I had hoped. When I brought my mom along to my 34 week appointment to meet Beverly, she said she understood how I felt but that one thing was for certain: Beverly knew her babies.

And so I kept this mantra in my head for the next six weeks and it helped. At my 38 week appointment Beverly advised me to buy some castor oil from Duane Reade and to drink it if my water broke but contractions did not follow. This was the first of many signs that Beverly was in fact fully supportive of my plans for a natural birth.

My labor and delivery was long and arduous, but also all-natural. I say the following with not one iota of uncertainty: I would not have had the labor and birth that I did had it not been for Beverly. I have written in length about my son’s birth story, here.

I labored for 30 hours from start to finish. Beverly provided phone support via text earlier in the day when I was very functional and then over the phone with Jason later on at night when I had moved from the latent phase of labor to the active phase of labor.

Beverly was also very supportive in the hospital. She staved off interventions such as an epidural, excessive fetal heart monitoring, internals and more. She held me from behind and swayed with me when I was at my worst. She patted my forehead with a damp washcloth. She told stories to distract me from the pain. I was wrong all along. Beverly was in fact extremely maternal.

At 9:00 am on Monday, August 9th, after six hours of blood, sweat, tears and other bodily fluids, Beverly even let me deliver my own baby! How selfless. Here’s a woman who’s job it was to present me with my baby and instead, presented me with my crowning moment in life.

With our midwife Beverly Woodard who is not just magnificent and maternal but modest, too. We had to beg her to pose in this family photo with us.

Later that day, when the endorphins and excitement of the arrival of our son began to settle in, my husband said it best: “If you were going into battle, Beverly is just the kind of person you would want next to you in the trenches.” I could not have agreed more. Beverly is not just the person who delivered our first born. She is a part of our family now, and I cannot wait to go into battle with her again. Let’s just hope it won’t be for a couple of more years.